A Funny Thing Happened Today.
This is Maalaea Bay on the island of Maui, a place we like to call home. We live in one of the condos on the near side of bay, believe it or not, it is nothing less than a picturesque place to live. We can walk outside and we're on the beach watching whales and playing in the surf.
It is also one of my favorite places to run. The sand is firm enough to get good traction, and soft enough not wear out the joints on a long run. I usually start out right from my condo and run east toward Kihei. The beach first passes a wildlife reserve and then along Highway 31 with just a narrow strip of trees and bushes separating the pavement from sand. After about 2 miles, the edge of Kihei town begins with a couple condos.
Beth and I had planned to get up early and start the day with a run along the bay, but we stayed up a little longer than we would have liked and so we slept a little longer too. Instead of a nice light breakfast to gear up for a good run, I opted for fried eggs and bacon while Beth continued to sleep. I was thinking that it would be a while, if ever, before we went out for the run.
Well, come 12:30 I was ready for a run, so I strapped on the shoes and went out for an out and back run totaling 4 miles or so. Now, it's not unusual to jostle the insides and push out a little flatulence in the middle of a run, I think of it as a booster.
Today, was a little different.
About a mile or so out I felt a little tush push, nothing unusual, just a little gas, but the thing about it was it only got stronger. I was alright though, as long as I kept moving I could maintain. At 2 miles out, and my turn around point, the situation was becoming a bit more serious. If you need me to be more descriptive, just think about prairie dogs. I looked around for a potential bathroom; all I could find was one tree with no privacy from the highway, the ocean, or a condo about 100 yards away. The tree was out of the question, and I didn't want to go to the ocean because I would have to run back with wet shorts, so I opted for the short walk to the condo. Turns out that 100 yards is a long way with clinched cheeks.
So, I make it to the condo with little time to spare; I check the office and it's locked. By this time, it's do or die time, I have to find a bathroom. I take a look around the corner and see nothing promising, no restroom signs, no nothing. And then I could wait no longer.
There I was, in the middle of condo complex, 2 miles from my house, wearing only shoes, shorts, and a watch, when the dam broke. I pooped my pants, and let me tell you this; boxers and soccer shorts have no retention quality. To my knowledge no one was around to see me waddle out of the complex, leaving a poop plop trail with every step. I escaped the building and hi-tailed it to the ocean. I did take the time to take off my shoes and socks, because jumping in the ocean with them on would just look silly. This was no small change excrement either, we're talking quantity.
You may wonder if it's embarrassing for a 24 year old married man to poop his pants. Well, I thought it would have been, but all I could think about was telling Beth, who gave me a high five when I did, and posting the story so you guys could get a laugh. At any rate, I sat in the ocean long enough to convince anyone nearby I was just hanging out in the small surf. I then turned to see if anyone picked up on the trail I left back on the walkways of the condo. I saw an old man armed with a hose retracing my steps. I don't know why, but I thought it was necessary to claim the dirty deed, and so I went and admitted to the man that I couldn't find the bathroom. His reply; "Oh, really. I thought it was a dog or a baby. Well, it's o.k. I got it all cleaned up." Awkward.
Then I strapped my shoes back on and finished my run, smiling and nodding at everyone I passed because they had no idea.
So, without further adieu here is my 2 for Tuesday:
1. Always use the bathroom before a long run.
2. One of my goals in life is to become an old man with a lot of really good stories.