1.31.2006

A Funny Thing Happened Today.


This is Maalaea Bay on the island of Maui, a place we like to call home. We live in one of the condos on the near side of bay, believe it or not, it is nothing less than a picturesque place to live. We can walk outside and we're on the beach watching whales and playing in the surf.

It is also one of my favorite places to run. The sand is firm enough to get good traction, and soft enough not wear out the joints on a long run. I usually start out right from my condo and run east toward Kihei. The beach first passes a wildlife reserve and then along Highway 31 with just a narrow strip of trees and bushes separating the pavement from sand. After about 2 miles, the edge of Kihei town begins with a couple condos.

Beth and I had planned to get up early and start the day with a run along the bay, but we stayed up a little longer than we would have liked and so we slept a little longer too. Instead of a nice light breakfast to gear up for a good run, I opted for fried eggs and bacon while Beth continued to sleep. I was thinking that it would be a while, if ever, before we went out for the run.

Well, come 12:30 I was ready for a run, so I strapped on the shoes and went out for an out and back run totaling 4 miles or so. Now, it's not unusual to jostle the insides and push out a little flatulence in the middle of a run, I think of it as a booster.

Today, was a little different.

About a mile or so out I felt a little tush push, nothing unusual, just a little gas, but the thing about it was it only got stronger. I was alright though, as long as I kept moving I could maintain. At 2 miles out, and my turn around point, the situation was becoming a bit more serious. If you need me to be more descriptive, just think about prairie dogs. I looked around for a potential bathroom; all I could find was one tree with no privacy from the highway, the ocean, or a condo about 100 yards away. The tree was out of the question, and I didn't want to go to the ocean because I would have to run back with wet shorts, so I opted for the short walk to the condo. Turns out that 100 yards is a long way with clinched cheeks.

So, I make it to the condo with little time to spare; I check the office and it's locked. By this time, it's do or die time, I have to find a bathroom. I take a look around the corner and see nothing promising, no restroom signs, no nothing. And then I could wait no longer.

There I was, in the middle of condo complex, 2 miles from my house, wearing only shoes, shorts, and a watch, when the dam broke. I pooped my pants, and let me tell you this; boxers and soccer shorts have no retention quality. To my knowledge no one was around to see me waddle out of the complex, leaving a poop plop trail with every step. I escaped the building and hi-tailed it to the ocean. I did take the time to take off my shoes and socks, because jumping in the ocean with them on would just look silly. This was no small change excrement either, we're talking quantity.

You may wonder if it's embarrassing for a 24 year old married man to poop his pants. Well, I thought it would have been, but all I could think about was telling Beth, who gave me a high five when I did, and posting the story so you guys could get a laugh. At any rate, I sat in the ocean long enough to convince anyone nearby I was just hanging out in the small surf. I then turned to see if anyone picked up on the trail I left back on the walkways of the condo. I saw an old man armed with a hose retracing my steps. I don't know why, but I thought it was necessary to claim the dirty deed, and so I went and admitted to the man that I couldn't find the bathroom. His reply; "Oh, really. I thought it was a dog or a baby. Well, it's o.k. I got it all cleaned up." Awkward.

Then I strapped my shoes back on and finished my run, smiling and nodding at everyone I passed because they had no idea.

So, without further adieu here is my 2 for Tuesday:
1. Always use the bathroom before a long run.
2. One of my goals in life is to become an old man with a lot of really good stories.

-well alright-

26 comments:

Tonya said...

OMG, i actually have tears streaming down my face!

f1rststory said...

THAT has to be one of the funniest things I've ever heard...and you claimed it to the old man!!!! HILARIOUS!!!! I think I'm gonna tell people about this one...or just have them come here and read it. ;)

f1rststory said...

actually, i just realized what your super power is...hahahahaha

Wendy said...

I can't believe it. I just can't believe it!!And you went to the old man. Oh my goodness!!!

sekondstory said...

Now that I'm out of a fetal position from laughing so hard, I'm still trying to figure out why you claimed it. Is your conscience that strong? Your a better man than me! You know you can go to jail for that. :)

Steve said...

Oh----superpower--he could be "the Prairie Dog." But I don't know what that means.

One of our mission projects last year likes to brag that they had to take "aqua dumps" since they were on the coast and had no facilities.

Steve said...

You've got to tell us if you see the old man again. Maybe you could take him a present or something. Like a Baby Ruth. I'm starting to laugh all over again imagining you having to wave to him the next time you run. "Ethel, there's that boy I told you about. Wasn't it nice of him to claim it?"

Steve said...

And who runs in boxers? TMI

Steve said...

I think I'm done with the ocean...

Ok, I can't stop. John, you understand, right?

Steve said...

Last one and I'll put a cork in it ;-)
I just emailed Beth Hughes the link to these blogs and the spellcheck tried to replace "Teilhet" with "Toilet!"

Anonymous said...

AAAAAAAAAAHa hah ah ah ahahah ahhaha hahahhaha haah haha ah ha ha h ahha h ah ah ah ah ah ahah ha haahahhahzahahahahahah! HEEhehheeheh heheeheeh eehehhehehehehhe ehehe he he heh e.

I don't think I will ever look at you the same. Mark says Hi.

Labig

sekondstory said...

Hey, where has Beth been?

Sweet Beth said...

I've been working nights the last couple of weeks. I think you should try seven or citizen of humanity jeans. They're designer jeans so you probably won't find them in JC.

messera said...

Oh Teihlet! It's been so long, and now this! OMG, i can't stop laughing, and i'm at work, and i think i'm about to get fired for disruptive office conduct and having the word "poop" on a govt. computer! you just made my day--no week!

f1rststory said...

steve-put a cork in it-that's funny...jt should put a cork in it...

jefe said...

I think I just ran Ryan out of the office with my laughing! He was on his cellphone. Ow! That kind of laughing is really painful!

I'd have gone for the ocean route right away...unless you would attract some interesting variety of fish. Maybe you killed them all...not sure what eggs & bacon do to the ocean ecology.

Steve's commentary was priceless.

Eric McCarty said...

I know a guy (who will remain nameless) who was about 3 miles from home when "the dam was about to break". He was in a ritzy neighborhood and in panic mode. Luckily, he found a vacant house with a For Sale sign out front. He left a little house-warming gift in the back yard for the prospectvie home buyer. It wasn't me, I promise. The moral thing to do, as you have exampled, is to always claim public poops.

Congratulations on soiling your shorts, but keeping your conscience clean!

I'm just going to jog circuits around my house from here on out.

Eric McCarty said...

A true web "log".

Eric McCarty said...

Shoulda dropped the kids off at the big pool.

Eric McCarty said...

I'll never be able to watch Chariots of Fire again.

Eric McCarty said...

poonami!

Eric McCarty said...

The 2008 Olympics will feature the inaugural 8K Dump-n-Run.

Eric McCarty said...

Sorry. The 8K Run-n-Dump-n-Run.

Anonymous said...

sick. i'm glad beth gave you a hi-five - bug

Nicole said...

thanks for making me laugh this morning! ijust can't believe you admitted to the old man! i mean, what did you say, "yeah, sorry, that's my poop all over the deck." for real! how funny! just thank the Lord there was a body of water close by!

Nicole said...

did the deck smell?