Too Awkward To Be True

Every now and then you may be lucky (or unlucky depending on the situation) enough to experience a situation that would otherwise be seen only on T.V. Every so often your a witness to something so off the wall that it's hard to believe it's happening right in front of your eyes. Let me set the scene for a recent ordeal of which I was an innocent bystander (thankfully).

It's New Years Eve 2006, Beth and I are in Texas with all of her extended family. We're gathered to honor the passing of Johnny Pierce Tye, Beth's Papa, who took his last breath eariler in the day. It's a solemn place to be, but the family remained joyful knowing that the patriarch lead a full life.

All is well until the curious neighbor comes to see what the commotion next door is all about. I'm not sure if I can accurately describe "Sharon", but picture a drunk biker/nascar lady who only gets louder by the drink and is far too comfortable to be causing such an uncomfortable scene. (To her credit she was said to be a decent neighbor who often helped Johnny and Big Mama Tye with things around the house).

Now, the house is pretty much packed (nowhere to hide) and when Sharon came to address the family with condolence she demanded everyones attention with "I'm the neighbor, I'm the neighbor". No one knew what to do or say, we were a captive audience so we sat trying to figure out what was happening. She proceded to tell of her respect for Johnny "I loved your Grandpa" and then went on to say "don't none of yall ever do nothing wrong". Seriously, it may be one of the most uncomfortable places I've ever been-I was scared to look her in the eye fearing that she would force me to converse.

Enter "Konrad", the blind uncle. Konrad is a solid guy; likes the outdoors, loves to talk, and always ends a conversation by saying "nice hearing you again". An all around type of guy except he can't see anything. All this time he had been sitting quietly to the side, as we all were-hoping that if we didn't respond maybe she would say her piece and leave.

Finally, it looked as though she was headed out the door... and then he did it...he brought all of her attention on to himself simply by saying "bye now, nice to have met you". For some reason this sparked the Bikerlady's attention. She spun around looking to return his sendoff with a wave. Had no one told her Uncle Konrad was blind it might have been the end of it all, but Big Mama told her "he's blind Honey, he can't see you". She apparently didn't believe her as she went right over to investigate the matter. At this point it was all I could do to stay put, I didn't want to see where this was going; I knew it couldn't be good. I would have left except she was directly between me and the door. I couldn't risk it, so I stayed.

As Sharon marched over to shake hands with the blind man, hand outstretched, Konrad's wife did a play by play so that he knew what was coming. At his wife's instruction he reached his hand out to meet Sharon's forthcoming hand. All the sudden, Sharon grabbed his hand and jumped back a little and then proclaimed "watch it pal you can't touch my ti*#ies". Everyone froze, some trying to hold back laughter, some stunned at such language, and me frantically looking for a way out of the situation. Konrad was speechless. His wife quickly replied "dear, until you told him, he didn't know you had ti*#ies at all". Sharon was surprised, as if no one told her he was blind. All the sudden she turned into Sharon the eye doctor as she performed the most thorough of all sight tests-"the wave your hand in front of the face reaction test". There she was at the house of a grieving family waving her arms like mad in front of Konrad the blind uncle. The discomfort level was off the charts, I quickly rose and bolted out the door deciding to watch the remainder from the porch window. Satisfied by her findings she properly shook hands and began another round of condolence, "I'll always be here for Big Mama, don't you worry, I'll be right here"

After reverting back to tears and tales of how she thought of Johnny as a father, and some more directions of how we, the rest of the family should live, she was finally led out the front door. Relief is spelled: THE DRUNK NEIGHBOR LADY FINALLY LEFT. I don't know what Rolaids is talking about.

-well alright-


sekondstory said...

That's hilarious!!!!I'm a little surprised you didn't have anything funny to say to break the tention....was she that scary?

f1rststory said...

HAHAHAHA - that's a great story! I'll have to remember this and share it with others...actually, I'll just tell them to check your blog...hahahaha.

AmberShea said...

haha that is great! I saw Bug at Passion. I wish I could have heard her tell that story. : )

Johnny T said...

What ya mean amber? You think she would tell it better?
oh and check out the profile pic

katie bug carr said...

oh... and i can testify that this story is so true. it was honestly ridiculous.. and john - great job telling the story.

01cent said...

You just described half the Reynolds family. Now you see what I live with.

Jen said...

Wow. I think I have relatives like that. Thanks for the laugh!